Marrying a Man of God: a letter to my daughter

This is part one of a three part series where Ed Sanderlin shares a letter to his daughter on marriage. Read part two here. 

IntroductionWhat I best can tell you has to do with the glory of God even beyond what I wish for you. Try to displace the thought that you have designs on any specific guy and let us talk principle. Let us consider there is no boy in the picture so that there will be nothing inflammatory about our discussion. It is the glory of God that we seek – in our life and in our prospects for marriage. WE SEEK THE WAY THINGS OUGHT TO BE WITH GOD, NOT THE WAY THINGS ARE IN THE WORLD.Marriage WILL end or begin a richer journey with Christ. Now is not the time to play around. Beyond your salvation, this is the gravest issue with which you will ever grapple. Remember, “no practice rounds” with this decision. The prospects of marriage are sobering, not soppy.If, over time, you are convinced that a move toward a particular guy is in the design and will of God, then you better not hold back. If you determine that you have no ministry in life without him then march to it. But, if you marry a man of whom you know better, then your vibrancy with God will be marginalized and your light will grow dim. All your days will be as dragging an anchor.If you determine over time that the Lord is not leading you to marry a particular man, then thank God for him and whatever richness He has brought into your life by his acquaintance and pray for him and his future wife. Do not disdain him. You are not saying, “No” to him as much as you are saying, “Yes” to someone else yet to come. Do not defraud him; rather defend him for his future wife and the ministry into which God will bring him.No matter whom you marry, you will have days of delight and days of struggle. You may ask, “What have I done?” And, without the rock hard confidence that you entered into this marriage with the full blessing and assurance of God, life will be hard. You are two sinners joined together – what would you expect. You should be able to expect at least one thing, that he will continue to turn to God for his strength to be a godly man and to honor and love you and he should expect from you to do the same in loving and respecting him. There will be days of bliss and times of misgiving; but it was at the altar where you were to have ended all doubt. There is no turning around after that.Now, I take the chance here to be misunderstood. I do not want what I say to be a haunt in the back of your mind that you may have entered into a marriage with a man who perhaps you should have taken more deliberation. I do not want anything I say to come back to you after you marry. The man you marry IS your husband forever. I am behind you 100% from that moment on. There should be no haunting thought in your mind that floats any doubt that he is the wrong one. Now is the only time to exert your discretionary powers.After the wedding, all your energies are to build the marriage into which you have embarked. No more doubts. No more haunts. No more hesitations or wonderings if you had done the right thing with the right person. The search is over and a new life has begun.In all our life in Christ we are “to walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5.7), except one time in life!The only time that I could ever imagine that we walk by sight is at that moment that the pastor says, “I now pronounce you, ‘Man and Wife”.It is at that second that all your “Journeying” by faith - wondering if this man WILL BE the right man for you of which you have prayed for all your life – BECOMES the right man for which you have prayed for all your life.Read carefully, though, only for that brief second during the pronouncement of “Man and Wife” is this moment by sight, for at the next breath you take, you will be taking it in Faith, again, in a new Journey as a married woman to this man for life.It is at the passing of this moment from then on, that you will KNOW that this is the man who will be your husband. There is no turning back at this point until death do you part.PART II do not want to underestimate the grace and power of God in one who has been redeemed; nor, do I want to estimate someone else based on my personal experience. If I did such a thing, then I would be guilty of superficiality and of the very things I would hope for you to avoid.We don’t look down our nose at anyone who has struggled in sin and then has come to Christ. We rejoice with heaven. We know that we exist under the same undeserved grace of God as anyone else. We know that there was no glimmer in us that caught God’s eye and caused him to favor us above anyone else. No one needs to remind us of the death and hollowness without God and from what He has saved us. It is utter foolishness to think we are deserving of anything but a barren life and an eternity in hell. He spilled His blood for us. He died for us. We have no right to think of ourselves better than another sinner saved by grace.Eph 4.32 “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”In fact, the one saved from greater sin may be the one with the greater love:Lu 7:47 “For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”Further, it may be through that very one whom God changes the direction of the world. It may be that very one He uses to spark the flame of revival in this drought land. When God is at work, stand back and give way.Who are we to hold one’s past against them when God has forgiven us? The entire body of Christ is made of sinners, including me!1Cor 6.11 “And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God.”So, I speak of a new redeemed life that has been plucked from the salvage yard - a life that has ascended in a culture apart from heaven. This new person is the product of an old mind that has been shaped by a worldview that is hostile toward God. And now, this new life is a redeemed person turning from an old life, putting on Christ, and maneuvering out of a plot of physical woes and family ties that are as present as they ever were. Physical woes don’t go away and family ties cannot be forgotten. One may say, “I am a new creature in Christ, old things have passed and behold all things have become new.”A strange creature we are when we are saved. We are always saved from something unto something else. We are saved from what we once were – from how we once lived. We are new creatures.The difficulty lies in the fact that at the very moment after conversion, we are still what we have become over the years. The instant after conversion begins the miracle of transformation.From that moment on comes the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit until the day we enter glory. We were once dead in our sins and to some degree, our sins were gratifying. Our only regret for sin was when we faced the consequences of those sins. This “new creature-hood” has now made us regret our sin, regardless of the consequences. We are alive to God and know what it is to now grieve and quench the Holy Spirit. Becoming saved from a life of sin is not the end of struggles, but just the beginning.There is no room for arrogance in our heart when we see a person who has had a “tough life” and then is saved; however, there is a difference in how we interact with any other new Christian than with a Christian with whom we’d like to marry. Just because someone is saved, does not mean we disregard his history. His history does matter. It isn’t condescension to use your scruples before you join your life forever with a man who comes from a previous life that chiseled who he is today. This is not judgmental, it is discernment and it is seeking God’s wisdom toward an eternal decision. You must ask, “Who was he and then, who is he?” You will be identified with him and you will be one with him. You will inherit all that he is – his problems will be yours. Most of those problems will not come to light until the vows are exchanged and the pronouncement is made. You will carry his burdens (more about that later). You must take a very keen eye with a decision that will change the course of your life. There is no going back. Approach this event with fear and trembling before God.There are sweet, kind people all over the world that have come to Christ, and they present their best side for all to see. But, marriage is joining your life with his – becoming one with him; over time, you will become like him. His pains become your pains and his wounds become yours. You live with and put on his identity. Secrets are sometimes openly shared, but many are uncovered.You’ve heard me talk about this before. Bear with me one more time as I review it in short. When you think to unite with another person forever, consider the following about them:Just what “troubles” remain in ones life beyond redemption remains in the sovereign and providential hands of God, but the consequential ramifications of ones sin do remain.These consequences can go generations deep. When a father (and mother) misleads his family, the effects of that misleading are often reaped in the children in countless ways, often for several generations. (Ex 20.5; Ex 34.6-7; Deut 5.9)Whether or not this is fair is not the issue. Sin is in the world, consequences of sin affected many generations. In principle, it began with Adam…Rom 5.12 “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned…”But, if we contend that the woes of our family upbringing is not fair, then we must contend that the riches of heaven in our salvation is not fair, either. Why? Just as Adam represented us in his sin bringing death, Christ represented us in His righteousness bringing life. You can’t have one and not the other.1Cor 15.22 "For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all shall be made alive."However, God is just. Direct punishment for the sins of the father are not hammered on the children…Deut 24.16 "Fathers shall not be put to death for their sons, nor shall sons be put to death for their fathers; everyone shall be put to death for his own sin."Ezek 18.20 "The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself."BUT… the residual effects of the father’s sins forecast direct punishment to the children.Further, these residual effects of which I speak are passed to the children as tides and ripples that encompass everything in life. Godless and ungodly instruction is grilled into little minds as soon as they are self-aware. Mingled and mixed with a sinful nature, the parents teach the child everyway but God’s way. These children grow and pass worse to their children and then to following generations. Subsequently, these life trends from the parents and the individual sins of the children bring to them the direct hand of Gods judgment. No one is innocent.I grow to believe more and more that present evils in individuals are an indirect lineage from generations past. The choices one makes, the responses one has, the direction in which one gravitates, the propensities in which one swoons, all, are ingrained or have been fostered from childhood. One cannot “fix” a life or wish away consequences that are rooted in history. A hand paddle can hardly change the flow of the great Mississippi River. The directional flow of an individual takes the initial act of God’s miraculous regeneration and then perpetual and powerful attention of the indwelling Spirit of God. Individuals make choices that moved their lives in a course and now from that direction they must repent. Repentance does not return the individual to the beginning of life. Repentance turns ones face in the opposite direction and then through the power of the Holy Spirit and the providences of God, he moves Godward step-by-step, little by little. All this to say, God never, never intended that we live a day without Him. Sadly, as we progress through life apart from Him, we drift further and further away from the harbor of safe return.SO, WHY WON’T GOD GET RID OF SIN’S CONSEQUENCES ONCE WE ARE SAVED?These consequences are a testimony of how precious we are to God. He has granted mankind great dignity. It is an exclusive gift to us above all His creation. We alone are created in His image and His likeness. It is the basis for human dignity.Ps 100.3 "It is He that has made us and not we ourselves"Being created in the image and likeness of God is this exceptional gift that serves as the basis for us to have a relationship with God. We are the crown of His creation. What a fearful honor it is to be created to walk with God.It is fearful because with this distinction of honor comes ominous responsibility. He has given us the choice to worship Him, and, with this dignity, He has given us the freedom to rebel against Him. We can choose our own way and to live out from under His divine blessings and pleasure, and, we can make the choice to freely enter into a relationship with Him through the Lord Jesus Christ as the noblest gift that can be given.And, in like turn, the dignity He grants us to not choose fellowship with Him is the greatest squandering of life in the entire universe; thus, come the consequences of spiritual drought. This dignity brings us to His throne of glory or to the pit of hell.When we do not what we ought, we are adrift on perilous seas sailing toward unavoidable shipwreck. Consequences are inevitable.Further, His purpose is not primarily to make us happy or even to cleanse us from sin and to right our wrongs; His first purpose is to glorify Himself.1Co 6:20 For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

(Part II we will address negative considerations for “narrowing the field”)

Worship Leader Search Update

For the past six months our church has been accepting and working through resumes for the worship leader position left vacant when Jeff left to plant a church. We believed it was of first importance to let the church decide on new pastors before hiring a new worship leader, mainly because it is the responsibility of the pastors to bring potential candidates for the job before the church. We wanted to wait for the collective wisdom of all the pastors we now have. We knew that would mean a longer search process, but we believed, and still believe, that the wait would be worth it, as it’s always wise for a church to establish it’s leadership before hiring staff members. Now that we have made Ed and Harlen pastors we are putting our full focus on filling the worship leader position. Here’s where we are currently at with the search:TaylorLet me start by answering questions about Taylor. Taylor has done an excellent job as our interim worship leader. In fact, he’s one of the reasons we felt comfortable bringing on new pastors before hiring a worship leader. We are incredibly thankful for Taylor’s willingness to serve our church as the interim worship leader.Taylor has diligently sought the will of God and has concluded that now is not the right time for him to take a permanent worship leader position. As your pastors, we have prayed over this with Taylor and believe he is following God’s leadership and making a wise decision. There are three things we want to emphasize here. First, there is complete harmony between Taylor and our pastors regarding this decision. Second, Taylor is not leaving Union View. He loves our church and is looking forward to transitioning back to a drummer / musician and aiding our new worship leader in any way possible. Third, Taylor will continue as our interim worship leader until we have filled the position. I want to stress that there is harmony and unity of mind here. Everyone who’s a part of this process deeply loves Jesus and each other, and we are listening to and following God together.Where we are at with the searchOver the past six months we have received several resumes for the worship leader position. Unfortunately, for various reasons none of the applicants have worked out. I’m not the most patient person (James’ teaching on patience last week was convicting and challenging to me), and I’ve been frustrated that things aren’t going faster. However, I believe that God knows exactly what he’s doing. I trust his timing more than my impatience. Over the past few weeks we’ve redoubled our efforts to collect new resumes and are trusting God to lead us when and where we need to go.As a church, we are asking that you pray with us for God’s wise leading. Specifically pray for three things. First, pray for the man who will take the job. Pray that God would prepare his heart to lead worship at Union View. Pray that God would sovereignly lead him to send us his resume. Second, pray for your pastors as we work through resumes and seek God’s leading. Pray that God would give us wisdom to recognize the calling and giftedness of the men applying. Pray that God would give us great sensitivity to the qualities and abilities Union View needs in its next worship leader. Finally, pray that we will patiently wait on the Lord. Pray that your pastors (at least me!) will patiently wait on the Lord. Pray that our church as a collective body will patiently wait for the Lord to work. The work that God does in infinitely better than the work men can do, so while it may be difficult to be patient, I’m greatly anticipating seeing God work! If you have any questions about please feel free to ask one of your pastors and we’ll answer as best we can.

Character matters in a President: voting for a president or a pastor?

“When you vote for president you are not electing a pastor in chief.” Christian minded voters hear that every four years or so. It’s a simple way of reminding people that standards for presidents are different than standards for pastors. And on the surface I can fully agree with the point. In my lifetime we’ve never had a president, or anyone running for president to my knowledge, that I would gladly have as a pastor. That’s mainly because belief in God, even faith in Jesus, is not the standard for a pastor, it is the beginning point. A man can be a genuine follower of Jesus and still not meet the qualifications of a pastor. There’s particular standards of character and detailed issues of theology that have to be met for me to support a man as a pastor. So I’m completely on board with the idea that when I vote for a president I’m not voting for a pastor.Does Character matter?More often than not, however, people mean something different, or at least more, when they say, “We’re not electing a pastor in chief.” All to often it’s an attempt to cover over poor choices and actions in the life of a candidate. It’s a way of saying, “The morals, values, and character you expect in a pastor are not necessary in a president.” Family life doesn’t matter, crudeness doesn't matter, pride doesn’t matter, drunkenness doesn’t matter, sexuality doesn’t matter, [insert anything you like here] doesn’t matter, because we’re not electing a pastor. That, I have a problem with. There are no strengths of a presidential candidate that outweigh the weakness of bad character. Here’s why:As voters we know somewhere between 30 to 40 policy positions of a given candidate. Most often candidates will be very clear about their positions on issues that are dominating our society. But what about the hundreds of decisions a president will make that he or she has no official position on, or is yet to even think about? In the 2000 election no candidate was talking about how they would respond to a devastating terrorist attack. No one had a position on the ethical implications of drone strikes or the (permanent?) detaining of enemy combatants. I don’t remember any candidate talking about the role the Federal Reserve should play in the event of a financial crisis. In the 2012 election no one shared their views on ISIS, or who Antonin Scalia’s replacement should be. And all of that is understandable, because we don’t expect presidents to know the future. The point I’m trying to make is that all we have to do is briefly consider the past to realize that presidents are going to make hundreds of decisions about things on which they have no official position.Character MattersAnd this is where character comes in. Our best indicator of how a person will act on unknown future events is how they have acted in the past. In short, their character.  It can be helpful to draw a comparison here between a pastor and a president. When Paul gives Timothy the qualifications of an overseer in 1 Timothy 3:1 - 7 he largely focuses on issues of character. Of the thirteen qualifications Paul gives, eleven are about character—the only job specifics being ‘able to teach,’ and ‘not a recent convert.’ Everything else Paul mentions provides a window into the character of a potential pastor. I think the reason Paul takes this approach is simple: there’s no way you can sit down and ask a potential pastor what he would do in every situation he may face. We don’t know the future, so we don’t know the questions we should be asking. But we can know a man’s character. And the implication is clear: if a man has good character, is above reproach, then you can trust him to work through future issues with wisdom, humility, and grace. You can trust him to lead well.When the President is like a PastorIt’s at this point that voting for a president is exactly like voting for a pastor. In both cases character matters. If a candidate has not shown faithfulness and wisdom in his or her previous actions what makes us think they will do so going forward? Take marriage as an example: if a candidate is not faithful to a spouse, a person whom they love and have made serious, lifelong vows to, what makes you think they will be faithful to the American people, most of whom they have never met? Or take being a lover of money. If a candidate has consistently put personal gain over the well being of others what makes you think they won’t do the same as president? Or how about being someone who lives on the opinion of others? If a candidate has said whatever its takes to gain the approval of the masses can you trust him or her to speak the truth when it is unpopular? If I’m going to stand and support a presidential candidate going into the future I need a solid record of character to put my feet on.No, our presidents are not pastors, and we should not expect them to be. But we should expect every president to be of the highest character. So when you vote for president don’t look for a pastor. But by all means, look for a man or woman of character.

Abortion: women's rights or a baby's life?

In any argument is it a tremendous advantage to be able to set the stage for the discussion.  If you and I are working through a disagreement and you let me define the terms, as well as what the argument is about, it gives me an almost insurmountable edge. Think of it like home field advantage for ideas.I almost always find this scenario to be the case when it comes to those advocating for abortion--they want to set the terms and the playing field for the discussion, and the field is nearly always women's rights. Pro-choice advocates are often dumbfounded why pro-life advocates don't buy into their argument, why we don't see things their way. The answer is simple. Our playing field is different: it's the baby's life.I'm a massive supporter of women's rights. I have a vested interest in the subject: my wife and my daughter. As a husband and a father of a daughter few things anger me more than seeing women dehumanized, marginalized, and stripped of the freedom and dignity that comes with being made in the image of God. But when it comes to abortion a pregnant woman is not the only, or even the main factor. Remember, the playing field is human life. Let me to say two things about an unborn baby's life that change the questions surrounding abortion.First, an unborn baby is a living human being.This is one of the most hotly contested areas of abortion. Every pro-choice advocate I have ever talked with is quick to disagree with me on this; saying, "An unborn baby is a fetus or a clump of cells, not a human." I find that statement perfectly illogical. We use many terms to refer to the stages of human life: zygote, blastocyst, embryo, fetus, newborn, infant, toddler, child, adolescent, young adult, adult and senior adult. The point that simply cannot be argued against is that each word refers to a point in human life.  Yes, human life, but what about the fact that an unborn baby is not a self-sufficient human life? It's worth noting that all throughout the stages of human life, especially at the beginning and end, humans are not self-sufficient. A one week old is no more self-sufficient than a baby in the womb. Both rely entirely on other people to care for them--as do many adults at the end of life. From a Biblical perspective this is even clearer: at no point in human life are any of us self-sufficient.

In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind. Job 12:10

At this moment you are more dependent on God to sustain your life than you ever were on your mother.At every stage, beginning at conception, we are talking about human life. The only clear line of distinction in the process is that when the transition from fetus to newborn occurs we can see and hold a baby. However, without question we are always dealing with human life, from beginning to end.If the focus of the discussion is human life then the question of abortion is dramatically shifted. We have to ask, "When is it morally acceptable for a mother to kill a human life insider her?" Notice I'm not saying women have no rights. I'm simply asking when is it appropriate for a women to exercise her rights when it comes to ending a distinct human life inside her. There's a reason pro-life advocates fight so hard against defining an unborn baby as a human life. How can you answer that question in a way that makes abortion on demand look morally acceptable?Second, human beings, in particular children, are valuableNo matter the circumstances that led to his or her life, every human being is valuable, including unborn babies. In recent discussions about abortion I have increasingly heard people say something to the effect of, "Getting rid of abortion is not fair because it punishes women for having sex." The implication, or course, is that having a baby is punishment. Look at how restricting a child is. There is cost involved, in money and time. A child restricts what parents, especially mothers, can do. How is that not punishment?The reality is, having any thing of value is restricting. Take owning a home. There is a huge investment in money and time associated with owning a home, both in initial cost and maintenance. The same could be said of owning a car. I wonder though, how many people would consider it punishment if they were given a new home? Here's the point I'm trying to make. It is right to say a child costs. The problem is too many people believe that children are not worth the price. Simply put, we do not place a high value on human life unless it is our own. Scripture stands in direct contrast to that type of thinking. Human life, life made in the image of God, is valuable, enough so to warrant the greatest sacrifices. Again, make the baby's life the focus and the questions becomes, "Why is it wise or good to discard one of the single most valuable things in this world?"There are many, often complex reasons that drive women to have an abortion. But the simple reality is always the same. An incredibly valuable human life is ended. How could I ever support and celebrate abortion?